After a year of moving out of the house; I wondered where time had gone! I noticed for the first time how one year can change parents, grandparents, and brothers. It wasn’t that drastic and I wasn’t overwhelmed, but it gave me a new awareness of time. I wanted to spend more time with each of them, but somehow life was now on a faster pace and everyone was into their friends and activities. This was partly due to everyone had begun to grow up, have different interest, and spend more time with those that were involved in their own lives. My youngest brother, Bobby, had many friends and our age difference still separated us more than I wanted. He was fun loving, but young and he seemed to be closer to Ray than I. Ray had moved off to college; therefore, I would not see him as much as I expected to.
I missed him growing up, and I wanted to see him more. He was now living in Atlanta, and I decided to go visit him. On the trip there, it still did not “hit me” that we were growing into young adults and for the first time having our own lives. I was under the impression things were the “same” and nothing was changing,
Once in Atlanta, we greeted and I realized for the first time that Ray was growing up. He had become so worldly, knowledgeable, and independent. In the short time living in Atlanta, he was able to show me the area as if he had lived there for years. I was taken in by how much he had changed. Our talks were pleasant and fun although; too short. I felt as if I had a new appreciation for him. He seemed different, but yet had not changed much other than years. It was my perception and my belief that people do change; (perhaps, it is only your perception of them, yet I know in life we do)! Also, I realize that people do change in life, but their “core” remains the same. I believe he was the first of us to move into the new generation and I realized I was still locked in to what I will call the (old world) which will take me many years to outgrow. To this day, the transition is a very big part of me and I realize I hold to the past way too much! I finally realized I had a deep appreciation for him and felt that he had grown up faster than me. I am not sure I could have moved out of state to attend college. He was very mature, knew what he wanted, and had learned to live in a large city, as if he had grown up there.
I remember when we lived on St. Louis St. (during the summers growing up in our preteen years) a skating company would put up a tent on Armenia and Columbus Dr. There you could go roller skating and have fun for the night. This became a fairly regular routine until one night when our parents had taken us. I was already in the rink with my skates on and I did not know Ray would be going that night. That night is etched in my mind forever! Our Dad was parked on Kathleen St. to let Ray out of the car; when crossing the street with his money in his fist, a car came out of nowhere and hit him. He was literally thrown across the street, but he never let go of his entrance fee! I knew he had to go to the hospital, but the rest is “cloudy”; for me as I was devastated by witnessing this horrific accident! After what seemed forever, I remember the ambulance coming to pick him up to take him to the hospital. I believe that night I spent the night at Nonna’s house, as that is where I was before going to skate. I do not remember any details other than it were serious, but he did recover from it in time. But, we will never know if that changed the life of our brother forever and deep inside I feel it did. Ray and Bobby were very intelligent people and I was always amazed as to how Ray could use the English language. He had a “presence” about him and I did not realize it. He was very much ahead of his time; as a skilled person in music, and horses, and thoughts. His talents were evident with his excellent grades, his equestrian skills, as well as how talented he was as a musician; although, he did not pursue this talent. He played the piano very well and with few lessons. Ray could take a lesson, practice very little, and yet play as he had been playing for years. He loved music and was a “Beatle fan” enjoying the Sgt. Pepper album and many other albums of the time. Although; he did not work much in the store, his presence there was of statue and greatness. When he worked, he usually worked with Mom at the register. He did other chores around the store but, he seemed to find hobbies and interest that keep him out of the store during his teen years. He had a few close friends and many of them revolved around the horses that he loved so dearly. Mom and Ray were very close, though Dad loved him very much too. I didn’t realize just how close until later! When I listen to Bobby’s stories, I realize how much age separated us. There are many facets of their lives that I don’t even know anything about and wondered it was the years of separation, or we just had so many differences in friends, schools, and hobbies. We were raised to be independent (from my point of view), which made it difficult to have many things in common. We played together, shared moments together, but (somehow) I feel more time could have been spent together. I realize Bobby was closer to him and knew him as I wanted to. I am fortunate now that Bobby and I are closer and can enjoy each other’s interest. As I reflect, I realize how “lucky” we were to have breakfast, lunch, or dinners together along with family vacations we shared to Louisiana and California. We enjoyed times together at the Lake, but our dinners and watching television gave us many special moments together. The moments were there, just not enough of them! Time is nothing, but a “moment”. As you age, you realize that you will need moments with your love ones (when you can), but you cannot control time. Perhaps this is a “normal thing” when growing up, but I did not know the difference. We did attend many family gatherings and times together at the house, but when I look back; I would have preferred spending many more times with them. I remember Ray’s great walk, being tall and handsome, as well as the spring in his step; it was a walk like Dean Martin would do on his show when entertaining to show the world how happy he was. Ray did not do that all the time, but it was “natural” and wonderful to see.
A disturbing incident I remember was when we lived on St. Louis and got into an argument (as boys would do). He had broken one of my toys and for revenge I broke one of his. For years and to this day, I still feel saddened about this and will always wish that I could make it up to him. I’m not sure if he ever recalled the incident, but it makes me realize that; although, you never intentionally want to hurt someone; but it does happen. We must learn doing unkind acts; it does no good other than releasing the anger at the moment. All my life I have tried not to hurt anyone, but it has happened and from those incidents I feel I can never recover. From this I recommend to learn, love, respect, and honor those around you! You may not agree with everyone (as this is understandable), but give yourself time and space to respect the other person’s point of view. I’ve tried to live by those rules all my life! Today I know and understand more than ever how important this is. I have yet to become “whole” with this philosophy, but follow it to the best of my heart, mind, and spirit.
While I was in Atlanta, visiting Ray, I decided to visit our cousin, Bobbie, who lived there. (Ray and Bobbie had limited connection with each other) I had not seen her in a few yearsand decided to visit her. We went to Underground Atlanta and had talks of the past. We talked about our grandparents and some of our younger years. She too seemed to be growing up, but somehow felt since we did not see each often that nothing really changed (as our talks were of the past).
My entire stay was only for a few days and I never realized it would be the last time I was to see my brother again!
When I got home, I talked about Ray with Mom and Dad but, they were very quiet and I could feel their pain of having him in another state. They put up a front (I believe) to make me feel everything was ok, but deep down (being young and inexperienced); I did not realize how much they missed him! It is now that I realize they were becoming empty-nesters. Although, I feel they wanted this to be the best situations for their children; we had all grown up too fast and the shock was beginning to touch their hearts. Later I realize this concept in my married life when our daughter, Gina, left home to attend college. I knew it would change our lives as well. It is painful that both of our children left to live in different states. Even though we are proud of them and happy for their independence; we know our world has changed! At this point, I realized how much my parents missed Ray and felt sad when I returned from Atlanta and talked about the trip. Mom was not one to let go, but I realized she did it with unselfish love!
I was divorced (at a young age) and confused as to how this all happened. Part of the mishap was being young and did not want to get married, but I did. I hung out with friends that still were not married, we double dated, and sometimes we visited Miami or the Keys just to get out of “Dodge”. Dating was not something I really enjoyed, but did only to have something to do during the weekends or to socialize. I don’t feel as if I was really looking to find a “lifetime partner at the time”. To me, life had passed by too quickly; perhaps, I was seeking a “time out” or a “relief,” but was unaware.
The weekend work at the store never seemed the same anymore! I had finished college, been married and divorced, and felt by returning to the store I was moving backward; although, I did want to help in any way I could, but I realized I was not content. I’m not sure if I even got paid during that time, but really did not care as my parents had always been there for me and had always given me a place to live. I was working full time with the “school system” and did not need the pay. While living back at home, I remembered many good times together. We enjoyed television shows, sleeping upstairs, talking, and listening to our friends that visited our home also there were great times at the lake (although very infrequent now).
How many times did I hear Mom say, “Where has all the time gone? I don’t want them to ever grow up!” Countless times she told us how much she loved us and cared for each of us; no matter how different we were or how much trouble each one of us would give in our lifetime. I always knew we had “special parents” who loved and cared for us; never wanting us to leave at except when we were ready. I know it was very difficult for them!
Sixty-six years of my life has passed me by and I still remember the saying, “You wish you knew what you know at an early age what you know now”. How true that is!
But, we cannot yearn for the past, just love, and live in the present, and hope and pray for a future. It was told to me once that “depressed people” live in the past, “anxious people” live in the future, and “content people” live in the present. I wish I had the skills of Mom, and Dad! If I had been a better communicator and was able to share what I have learned in the past, I could have been a better “teacher” of life. My greatest shortcoming is that; although, the thoughts were always in my head, I had a difficult time to express it the way I wanted. I have known (all my life) my shortcomings were many. My biggest one is not being able to express what is in my heart or mind as I am too guarded. I will never know why, but (for some reason) many of my thoughts that were cast in the future would later appear. Perhaps my strongest skill, also the scariest, is that I know in advance what would happen. As I write, I realize what I say may not be the way it is in my head, but I have learned if I do not try to express what is in my mind; it will never be heard! I have always felt I knew the right things, but would act upon them in a silent or even hidden nature. I felt that if I demonstrated what I felt in my mind with behaviors, that the ideas would get across. Communicating for me is difficult and later in life, I have learned to be more in touch and in tune with the ones you love and to express it but it is still difficult! For many people it is with words, for some it is with actions, for others it is with joy, sadness, or emotions. I realize not having our children and grandchildren with us in the same state has thrown me for a loop! Even though I realize how wonderful things are for all of us; I hold on as I do not accept this change easily!
This is where I finish this chapter for now. We must use the art and the skills of our Dad, the love and dedication of our Mom, the presence of God, the dedication of a wonderful wife, the love and sharing of children and grandchildren, and combine them into a “resource” that will make a wonderful life! We will go through many stages in life! When growing up you must accept change, learn, blossom, season, and become all of those great qualities that a young person has learned from a child to an adult. “When you take the goodness over the bad, the good wins”.
So enjoy all your siblings, your partner, your children and grandchildren, those around you, and accept change and realize (in this life) we are here only a moment in time; we must do and say all we can to keep each full of love. “As the oceans continue to wave hello each day, we must realize that the ships will pass us by, so fill them with Love, Goodness, and Hope”! Danny